Walsall Earthquake

Walsall Earthquake Appeal.
An earthquake measuring 4.7 on the Richter scale hit Walsall in the early hours of Saturday. Its epicentre was in Pleck.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Buggerme". The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Local radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Walsall. One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year old mother of 9, said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps. Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female). White sport socks. Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Local Radio Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Coalpool" said the girl, wossit gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in the Walsall area-oh,sod it...they won't be able to read it anyway.

SB

This this one before only the epicentre of the quake was Essex.

Phil

Posted by phil

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SB

This this one before only the epicentre of the quake was Essex.

Phil

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Yes but there would have been no damage there.

I heard it shook some of the local girls out of bed, so they went home.

Phil

They aren't all like that Phil, some of them are mothers with three children. The rest are over sixteen.

Would a pair of slightly used wellies be of any help in case it rains while they're searching for missing people (who were probably taking shelter in the local pub).

I had an argument about Wellies once, but it didn't hold water.

And there I was thinking you were an intellectual. Oh well, even I'm wrong occasionally.

Posted by handlebar

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And there I was thinking you were an intellectual. Oh well, even I'm wrong occasionally.

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Handlebar you can't be wrong, you came with superb references.

Of course I did. I wrote them myself in consultation with the local M.P.(who tells bigger lies than I'm capable of)

Posted by handlebar

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Of course I did. I wrote them myself in consultation with the local M.P.(who tells bigger lies than I'm capable of)

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local MP, just don't come asking for expenses.

No likelihood of that. I told him I was a Brummie and he asked if I was on tablets for it!

Posted by handlebar

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No likelihood of that. I told him I was a Brummie and he asked if I was on tablets for it!

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If you are I know someone in the Bull Ring who will supply them cheap.

Posted by handlebar

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And there I was thinking you were an intellectual. Oh well, even I'm wrong occasionally.

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I forgot to say I am a graduate of Toothickfa University , It's in Wales you know.

He's pulled you in as well has he. He's got tentacles like an octopus. Just read the earthquake headlines to my wife who's absolutely in stitches. I did hear they're going to put a one minute humour spot in Eastenders. They're inserting it at the end in case it overcomes viewers and they miss the rest of the gloom. Can I put your name forward? Writing of such calibre deserves a reward